Getting back in shape has unexpected drawbacks

The following is the slightly redacted version of an email I sent to a buddy of mine about my workout this morning. Bear in mind that I wear NO makeup and baggy, unglamorous clothes to the gym. I talk only to people I know well or if courtesy demands it. I just mind my own business, listen to my iPod, do my workout and leave. This is my adventure from today:

What is it with men? WHY is it that the dorkiest guy in the weight room never fails to follow me around? The weight room is not enormous, granted, but this dumb-sock-wearing, skinny-a$$ $#%^ followed me around ALL $%#^ morning and watched me. It was creepy. And it's not like I was the only workout queen in the room either-- there was at least one other instructor and a couple of younger gals in decent shape there, too. I'm pretty sure I was neither the best-looking nor worst-looking gal in the room.

Here I am, trying to do incline flies and this moron HAS to get in my mirror space. Hello? And for the rest of the workout, he is right behind me in the mirror. I can't imagine what the #$%& body part that geek was working since he basically hopped on whatever was right behind me. Dumb *&&%$ worked his shoulders, his chest, his tri's, his legs, the tops of his arms and I don't know what-all else.

And, to make it worse, every time I got on a pulley machine, he'd ask me if he could use one of the attachments. And if I got on a bench, then he'd ask me if he could use some other bench I'd never so much as GLANCED at. Every time, I had stop what I was doing and pull out one ear bud so I could hear what the #$@%% the moron was asking for. GOD. It almost goes without saying that he grunted louder than was absolutely necessary at all times. I blasted my iPod and I could still hear him.

So finally, I started moving so that, whenever he was behind me in the mirror, I'd block his view.

That violation of etiquette barely slowed him down.

So then, every time I saw him behind me, I rolled my eyes DRAMATICALLY. I swear to God it took like SIX times of me rolling my eyes every time he appeared behind me. FINALLY, finally, finally it sank in that I was rolling my eyes AT HIM and he retreated hastily with no small degree of evident embarrassment.

Do you think it would be a violation of YMCA policy if I brought a squirt gun? or maybe a paint ball gun? Do I have a "stupid wanna-be's please come bother me" sign on my back, or what? GAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Okay. Rant over.

My buddy suggested pepper spray. I don't think a jury with any women on it at all would convict me.